


Let Me Help You

by 3ls_fictions



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anorexic Harry Styles, Bulimia, Comforting Louis Tomlinson, Depressed Harry, Depressed Harry Styles, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt Harry, Hurt Harry Styles, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Protective Louis Tomlinson, Sad Harry, Sad Harry Styles, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry, Self-Harming Harry Styles, Sick Harry, Sick Harry Styles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26213380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ls_fictions/pseuds/3ls_fictions
Summary: Harry has been pulling away lately and Louis makes it his soul duty to find out why.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

The five of them sat on a bus… 

Niall screams as Zayn chases him through the bunk area, to the seating area… 

Liam talking on his phone to his girlfriend, laughing loudly… 

Louis shouting at his laptop as he plays his war games… 

Harry sat reading his book with his headphones on blasting music as loud as he can to drown out everyone else whilst thinking, “the tour bus… hell on earth…”

He jumped a mile when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He quickly slipped off his headphones.

“Hey, Hazza!” Called Louis,

“Y… yeah…” He stuttered.

“Liam’s still on the phone and I keep dying so I’ve given up and now I’m booorrrreeeeeeeddddd…” Complained Louis,

“Okay?” Responded Harry sceptically,

“Let’s do something?” Asked Louis,

“Lou, what can we do here?” Asked Harry,

“I don’t know, just something?” Replied Louis, when Harry didn’t respond Louis had a look of concern on his face, “You okay?”

Harry sighed, “I’m just tired Lou and I have a bit of a headache.”

“It’s probably because of how loud your music is,” Said Louis.

“Look, I’m going to go and lie down.” Said Harry slowly getting up and walking to his bunk.

“I’ll come too,” Said Louis, “keep you company!” He finished in an overly happy manner.

“Can’t you see that I just want to be left alone!” Harry suddenly blew up turning to Louis.

Harry registered the look of hurt on Louis' face but he couldn’t find it to care at that moment. He just wanted to go to sleep. He turned quickly and climbed into his bunk, harshly pulling the curtain closed behind him. He then slipped on his headphones and hit play on his music.

Leaving Louis stunned in the corridor.

“What was that about?” Asked Niall quietly,

“Is everything okay?” Zayn added quietly as they sat down at the table, stopping their game to get a drink.

“Y… yeah… he’s just tired,” Muttered Louis sitting in his own bunk confused.


	2. Chapter 2

###  Louis was lying on his bunk staring up at the roof. It was three in the morning and something had woken him. He didn’t know what but since he was awake his thoughts were overcome by Harry’s odd behaviour. He had been lying there for at least half an hour when he heard it. The sound of items moving around in the kitchen.

He slowly opened the curtain and tip toed out into the kitchen area.

“H?” Asked Louis, confused as to why the younger boy was standing in the kitchen at three in the morning.

He heard Harry sigh and turn to him. In the light it was hard to see properly but Harry’s long hair was a mess and he looked grey and pale in the light.

“You okay?” He asked gently.

“Y… yeah…” Stuttered Harry.

Louis was really concerned for the younger lad. Something was wrong.

“Why are you still up?” Asked Louis.

“I uh… I couldn’t sleep.” Explained Harry running a hand along his face.

Louis was trying to think of something to say to cheer up Harry. He knew something was wrong but he didn’t want to frighten him off again.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Suggested Louis, “Maybe the night air will help you feel tired.”

Harry nodded slowly, “I’ll just get my hoodie.” 

“Okay,” replied Louis, watching Harry as he walked to his bunk and grabbed a hoodie before following Louis off the bus.

The bus was parked in a trailer stop by a local park for the night as their driver needed a rest.

The two of them walked from the car park down a lane towards a river. There was a small coffee shop that was open due to the fact it was a trailer stop.

“Do you want to get a drink?” Asked Louis,

“I… uh, yeah okay,” replied Harry.

“Okay, you sit here, I’ll be right back.” Harry sat down on a bench by the river as Louis walked into the shop. 

He returned a few minutes later with two cups.

“Here,” He said, gently handing a cup to Harry, “I got you a chai tea that way you won’t have too much caffeine in your system.” 

“Thanks,” Muttered Harry, holding the cup and taking a sip.

Louis sat down on the bench next to Harry and the two looked out over the scenery. 

They sat in silence with their drinks for a few minutes when Louis spoke up.

“Harry, is everything okay?” Louis asked carefully, looking at the younger boy.

Harry nodded.

“Are you sure?” Checked Louis, “You’ve seemed a little off recently.”

“I’m sure Lou.” Replied Harry, “I’m fine, really. I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Okay,” smiled Louis, still a little unsure, “But, you’d tell me if something was wrong right?”

“Jesus Lou! I’m fine, really.” Smiled Harry, 

“Okay. Okay.” Louis smiled back.

The two sat quietly until they’d finished their drinks and then they headed back to the bus. They were just settling into their bunks across from each other when Louis looked at Harry.

“H?” He called quietly,

“Yeah?” Harry responded,

“Sleep well.” He added,

“Thanks, Lou. You too.” Said Harry quickly closing his curtain.

Louis was taken aback by Harry hastily closing the curtain.

As much as Harry had tried to convince him he was okay, Louis knew something was up. He just didn’t know what.


	3. Chapter 3

Louis awoke at six to find a note from Liam and Zayn saying they’d gone for a quick run. Niall was still sound asleep. He entered the kitchen area to see Harry sitting at the table staring out of the window.

“Hey Haz,” Called Louis, he expected to see Harry eating breakfast or there to be an empty bowl or plate by the sink but there weren’t any.

“Have you had breakfast yet?” He asked,

“Nah…” Muttered Harry quietly, “I’m not really hungry.”

Louis turned to look at him, “Well, you really should eat something, we have a busy day.”

Harry let out a quiet hum in response but he didn’t show any signs of moving. Louis knew he’d have to take a different approach.

“What do you want?” Asked Louis, “I’ll make you anything you want.”

Harry turned and glared at Louis, “you can’t cook,” He said bluntly.

“Okay then…” Louis said smiling, “I’ll make you anything, within reason.” 

Harry let out a gentle laugh.

“Can I just have granola and yogurt please?” Harry asked quietly.

“Of course.” Louis smiled, inside feeling relieved in having succeeded in getting the boy to eat.

He quickly poured a bowl of granola and then topped it with a few tablespoons of lemon yogurt.

“Here you go,” He said, placing the bowl in front of Harry.

Harry showed a small smile in thanks before picking up the spoon.

Louis made himself breakfast before sitting opposite Harry. He was halfway through his breakfast when he realised Harry had yet to eat anything.

“You okay?” Asked Louis gently.

“I… yeah, I’m just not really very hungry.” Responded Harry taking a small bite from the spoon.

“I know but you need to eat something. How about you have a banana or something?” Asked Louis,

“Lou, I’m really not hungry,” Harry replied.

The two sat in silence for a little while longer, Louis just watching Harry move the spoon around the bowl, not actually eating anything.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Louis asked gently.

“For fucks sake Lou!” Harry shouted, throwing the spoon down into the bowl. “I’m fine. I’m just not hungry alright!” 

Harry just sat there staring at Louis, breathing heavily from the outburst.

“I… I… Okay…” Louis responded, unsure as to how to react.

“I’m going to lie down.” Mumbled Harry as he slid out of his seat and into his bunk, quickly pulling the curtain closed behind him.

“What was that about?” Liam asked, startling Louis as he didn’t realise he and Zayn were back from their run. 

“Nothing.” Responded Louis quietly.

“Are you sure?” Asked Zayn,

“Yeah, is he okay?” Added Liam.

“Yeah.” Replied Louis turning to look out of the window, “He’s just not hungry, that’s all.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!!  
> I am actually so bored right now! I’m in sixth form and I have frees all day and since it’s only the third day back I don’t have any work to do so expect uploads in all of my fics today!!!  
> Hope everyone’s well.  
> Please leave kudos and comments! Also, follow me on Instagram @bohogreenwitch  
> All the love,  
> \- El xoxo

“Harry get it together!” Shouted Marcus, “Wrong side again!” 

The boys were walking through the basic blocking the morning before the concert.

“Harry! Focus!” Yelled Marcus,

Harry had already collided with each boy about three times.

“Harry, for fucks sake, get your head in it!” Marcus bellowed angrily.

It was obvious to the other boys that there was something going on with Harry right now. Louis quickly did their hand signal to the boys that they needed to stop rehearsal. 

“Hey Marcus, I’m not feeling too great. How about we take ten to regroup?” Suggested Liam.

“Yeah, sure, whatever, take an hour for lunch” muttered Marcus approaching Harry, “But I swear to God Harry, you’d better have gotten your act together by the time we come back.”

As soon as Marcus left Harry was out of the door.

The boys shared looks of confusion as to why Harry had run out on them like that.

“I’ll go and check on him,” Said Louis, following Harry out.

He found Harry sat on a bench just outside the building. He had his head down in his hands, his long hair that had been in a bun was now freely flowing around his face.

“H? Sweetie?” Asked Louis, moving to sit next to Harry on the bench.

Harry didn’t look up or really acknowledge his existence.

“Harry?” Louis tried again, “Sweetie, what happened?”

Louis heard Harry sniff lightly. It was obvious he’d been crying.

“Please talk to me?” He asked gently.

“I’m fine…” He muttered, “I just got a little overwhelmed, I just needed a minute.”

Louis knew he was lying. There was clearly something else going on here.

“Harry, please… I know there's more to it than that.” Louis tried,

“I’m fine Lou, really. I just haven’t been sleeping the best lately and I needed some air. But really… I am fine.” Harry explained.

They sat in silence before Louis finally plucked up the courage to say what he’d wanted to for days.

“Harry, please don’t get angry… but, I know you’re not okay. You haven’t been eating or sleeping. You’ve been zoned out a lot and don't think I haven’t heard you crying at night because I have.” Louis explained, “Harry, please talk to me? What’s going on? What really happened today?”

Harry looked upset and Louis knew he’d hit a bit of a nerve.

“I didn’t lie… I was feeling overwhelmed.” Said Harry,

“Well, I know that but feeling a bit overwhelmed wouldn’t cause you to run out like that?” Asked Louis,

“I had a p…..” Harry’s voice faded out as he spoke,

“What did you say?” Louis asked gently,

“I had a panic attack…” Explained Harry hiding his face in his hands.

“Harry, sweetie…” Muttered Louis wrapping an arm around Harry comfortingly, “How long?”

“Weeks now…” He said almost inaudibly.

Louis felt his heart shatter.

“Harry, love… why didn’t you tell us… why didn’t you tell me?” Asked Louis,

“I… I don’t know…” Stuttered Harry, “I guess, I just… I didn’t want to mess anything up… I… I don’t know”

“It's okay Harry…” Louis gently pulled Harry in for a real hug, “It will be okay.”

The two of them entered the building after a while and found Zayn, Niall and Liam sat on the floor. Harry walked over to his bag and gathered his things.

“Is he okay?” Asked Niall,

“Yeah…” Responded Louis grabbing his bag, “We’re going to go back to the bus for a bit. Can you tell Marcus he’s sick but will be ready for tonight?”

“Yeah sure,” Said Liam.

“Are you sure he’s okay?” Asked Zayn.

“Honestly… no” Said Louis, “But, he will be.”

Louis gave a small smile as he walked over to the door where Harry was waiting and gently took his hand. The two of them walked out together, neither saying anything, just comfortable in each other's silence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and comments! Also, I’d love some requests for stories and things as I love trying to write new things :)  
> Follow me on Insta @bohogreenwhitch and say hi! Thank you to @nevergoingbacknow for following me, your DM really made my day!  
> As always, all the love,  
> \- El xoxo

That evening the five boys were in the car at the venue ready for the show a few days after the incident in rehearsals. Things had been going pretty well… as well as they could be.

Louis knew Harry hadn’t been sleeping even though the younger boy wouldn’t admit it and in their costume fitting the other day, Louis overheard Harry asking for a belt, meaning that he was definitely losing weight. Louis was worried, but at least he hadn’t had any more panic attacks recently.

In the car Niall was excitedly rambling about possible backstage shenanigans and Zayn was enthusiastically nodding along. Liam and Louis were laughing at Niall’s excitement and chattering between themselves.

They were half an hour into their journey when Louis realised something was wrong.

“Harry, are you okay?” He asked quietly to the curly haired boy to his left.

“Mh fine.” He muttered in response.

Louis knew he wasn’t telling the truth.

“H, we spoke about this earlier.” Louis replied sternly, “Please don’t lie to me.”

Harry pulled a face and looked around to make sure the others were still distracted. Once he was sure they were he whispered.

“I’m just feeling a little jittery is all…” When Harry said this Louis noticed his hands were trembling in his lap.

“It’s okay. We’ll be at the venue in five minutes and then we can get you some water and we can sit outside and you can get some air,” assured Louis, gently placing a hand on Harry’s leg, rubbing soothing circles.

Harry nodded before he rested his head on the window of the car letting out a quiet sigh.

Liam, noticing Harry’s demeanour, turned to Louis and quietly asked, “is he okay?”

Louis, so as not to draw any more attention to Harry than necessary, just nodded whilst giving Liam a look that would be interpreted as, ‘not really but I can’t talk about it right now with the others here’.

Liam nodded understandingly and went back to chuckling at Niall and Zayn’s childish conversations.

Soon enough they were pulling up outside the venue and stepping out of the car one by one. 

The security led them in through the back doors and straight to the dressing rooms, however, Harry was walking slower than the rest of them and Louis knew why. He awkwardly pulled over one of the guards.

“Hey, is there anywhere quiet Harry and I could go and sit, he’s not feeling too well?” Louis gingerly asked,

The guard looked deep in thought before replying, “there’s the upper deck. I’m sure you two would be alright up there for a while. Once we’ve gotten you to the dressing rooms, I’ll show you and Harry the way up.” 

“Thanks man,” Louis smiled before continuing to follow the others to the room.

Once they arrived at the room Louis saw Harry’s twitching had become trembling and it was clear he was not okay. His eyes were darting around the room and they were glassy. He looked pale and his hands kept fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper.

Louis walked over to the cooler in the corner and pulled out two bottles of water before walking over to where Harry was still standing by the door.

On his way over Liam gave Louis a look that questioned where he was going. Louis just gave a little nod towards Harry and as soon as Liam looked at the boy he knew something was wrong. 

Although Harry hadn’t told the other boys about the panic attacks, they all knew deep down that he was struggling, however, nobody pushed him on it as they knew he was talking to Louis about it and they didn’t want to make him feel overcrowded and like he had no control.

Liam nodded in realisation at the situation and walked over to talk to Niall and Zayn so Louis and Harry could slip out easier.

Louis finally arrived next to Harry. He gently placed a hand on Harry’s arm to comfort him. 

“Hey, come on H, let's go,” He gave the younger boy a reassuring smile to try and ease his nerves a little before leading him out of the room to where the guard was standing.

“You boys ready to go up?” He asked,

“Yeah,” replied Louis.

The guard gave Harry a concerned look before nodding at Louis and leading the two of them down a corridor and up two flights of stairs.

They quickly came to a glass door.

“Now I’ve talked it over with the other guards. You two are welcome to stay up here as long as you like as long as you’re down for the show and there’s no way anyone can get to you here so you won’t have to have a guard with you. All we ask is that you don’t go wandering off.” He smiled at the two boys,

“Thanks Nick,” Louis said to the security guard before he left.

Louis then pushed the door open and he and Harry stepped into the open air. 

There was a small bench located in the middle of the deck.

“Here, take a seat,” Louis said, guiding Harry over to the bench.

Once Harry was sat down Louis loosened the cap on one of the bottles of water and handed it to Harry.

“T… thank y...you…” Stuttered Harry taking a sip of the water. 

After Harry had taken a sip, Louis noticed that Harry’s breathing wasn’t quite right. He was beginning to hyperventilate.

Louis hesitantly sat down next to the younger boy. He placed a hand on Harry’s back, rubbing soothing circles. As Harry’s breathing became more ragged and panicked he dropped the bottle of water to the floor, gripping his knees tightly with his hands to try and ground himself.

“You’re okay, love.” He soothed, “Just take some deep breaths for me yeah, in and out… in and out… that’s it.”

Slowly Harry’s breathing began to sync up with Louis’.

“That’s it… well done,” Louis praised Harry, “you’re doing so well… in and out…”

Louis knew that in this state Harry needed to be praised for the small things.

“There you go,” Louis breathed, still rubbing firm circles on Harry’s back.

Once Harry’s breathing had almost returned to normal he tried to talk,

“I… I’m…” He stuttered but his voice was rough and hoarse.

“Here, have some water?” Louis, opened the other bottle of water he’d brought up with him and handed it to Harry.

The younger boy gingerly took a sip before Louis took the bottle back and placed the lid on it.

“I’m sorry.” Harry finally said, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise,” soothed Louis, “just focus on keeping your breathing even.” 

Louis gave Harry a gentle smile and continued to rub soothing circles on Harry’s back, even though the younger boy was no longer deep in his panic attack Louis knew he was still in a fragile state.

After a few more minutes of comfortable silence Louis decided it was time to ask Harry about what had just happened.

“Harry?” He had to word this carefully, he didn’t want to scare the younger boy off, “Can you tell me what happened?”

Harry refused to look at Louis but slowly began to speak.

“I just felt overwhelmed, that’s all.” Louis knew he wasn’t lying but there was obviously so much more to it than that,

“Harry, love, we’ve spoken about this… please?” Louis tried, “I can’t help if you won’t tell me what's wrong.”

Harry let out a heavy sigh.

“I told you, you can tell me anything. I’ll never judge you and I won’t tell anyone, I just want to help you, okay?” Louis assured him.

Harry began nervously fidgeting with his sleeves again but finally he began to talk.

“I… I was on Twitter earlier and I… well, I read some comments and they… I didn’t intentionally go looking for them but there were some, some not very nice comments…” Harry began, shaking his head lightly at the stupidity of it all, “I just, they made me feel so, so bad but I… I just couldn’t stop reading them and I just…”

It was like once Harry had started letting this out he couldn’t stop and although Louis was glad Harry was talking about his feelings, there was a part of him that wished he didn’t hear the things Harry said, “It made me think. What if I mess this up Louis? What if I fuck this all up? Maybe the band would be better off without me, I mean, it’s not like you need me. I just, what if everyone would be better off without me. I mean, I’ve already taken up so much of peoples time with these stupid panic attacks and it’s not fair on you or the guys or the fans or anyone. I should just go, leave and just… Sometimes I feel like the world would be a better place without me. There are times when I think I’d be better off dead…”

As soon as Harry realised what he’d said his hands flew over his mouth as if to stop himself from saying anymore.

“Harry?” Louis asked, his eyes wide in concern and shock over what the younger boy had just said.

“Sorry I… I didn’t mean that…” Harry tried but Louis cut him off.

“Harry, don’t apologise to me,” Louis gently pulled Harry into a position where he could look at him clearly, “But right now I need you to be honest with me okay?”

Harry looked confused but nodded slightly, struggling to keep eye contact with Louis.

“Harry, have you ever thought about or tried to… to hurt yourself?” Louis wished he didn’t have to ask Harry this.

He wished the boy would just be okay but he wasn’t and Louis couldn’t just let this slide.

Harry quickly looked away. Avoiding eye contact with Louis.

“Harry?” Asked Louis. Based on Harry's reaction, Louis was almost certain he knew what the answer was.

“I… I um... “ Harry tried, tears welling up in his eyes.

“It’s okay Harry,” Louis soothed, “I’m not going to judge you, I just need you to be honest with me okay?” 

Harry began fiddling with his sleeves, looking down at his wrists. Louis followed his line of sight and instantly knew what he had to do.

“Harry, let me see your wrists,” Louis commanded.

“I… what… no… why?” Harry was clearly panicking.

“Harry, please, I said I won’t judge you, I promise.” Louis assured him, “I just need to see okay?”

Harry paused for a minute before he shyly held out his arms.

Louis took this as an okay to gently roll the boys sleeves up. As his bare arms came into view Louis had to hide his shock. All along them there were scattered marks and scars.

“Oh, Harry, love…” Louis breathed, pulling Harry into a tight hug.

Louis felt Harry begin to break down in his arms. The boy was clinging onto the front of his shirt, burying his head under Louis’ chin, sobbing his heart out.

“It’s okay… it’s okay… I’ve got you…” Louis soothed, “We’re going to get you the help you need okay… I’m going to do everything in my power to help you…” Louis assured Harry as he began to stroke the back of Harry’s head gently, still holding him tightly while he sobbed brokenly.

\-----

When the two finally went back into the dressing room Harry was back to his normal self, or at least he was pretending to be and luckily for him he was a good actor as anyone who saw him wouldn’t know he’d been sobbing his heart out only twenty minutes ago.

When Harry left the room to quickly go to the bathroom Liam turned to Louis.

“Is he okay?” Liam asked, drawing both Niall and Zayn’s attention.

“Yeah, he’s seemed really off recently,” added Niall,

“Somethings definitely going on with him,” Zayn finished.

Louis took a deep breath.

“No, he’s not okay, but it’s really not my place to tell you,” Louis started, “He’s been struggling recently so just please be patient with him and try not to stress him out too much. I’m going to look after him don’t worry,” Louis gave them a small reassuring smile, “I’m going to talk to him after the concert about possibly telling you guys, but as I said it’s really not my place to tell you. I promise he will be okay, it just may take time okay?”

The three boys nodded in understanding and quickly got to joking around so when Harry entered he wouldn’t know they’d been talking about him.

They were finally called to stage and one by one they left the room. Louis and Liam were the last to leave however, as Louis was about to leave Liam briefly stopped him.

“Louis, is Harry really going to be okay?” Liam asked gingerly,

“I… Honestly, I don’t know. But I promise I’ll do everything I can,” Louis replied, “I’m going to help him, he will be okay. It will just take time.”


	6. Chapter 6

###  [ Chapter 6 ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24648097/chapters/60095317)

###  The five boys made it back to the hotel after the concert with very little fuss. Niall had fallen asleep in the car and Zayn was taking pictures of him drooling on Liam’s shoulder. Louis was quietly giggling at Liam’s displeased facial expression.

Harry on the other hand wasn’t partaking in the fun. If you looked at him briefly you’d think he too was sleeping, however he wasn’t. He had his head against the window and he had his knees pulled up to the seat. He’d positioned himself so that he took up next to no space, he’d literally pushed himself as far from anyone else in the car.

Louis kept glancing at the younger boy, just to keep an eye on him. He was internally worrying about what would happen when they got to the hotel. There would be a discussion about room arrangements. Since there were five of them, they would be split between three rooms. Two doubles and a single. They came up with a plan at the beginning of the tour that meant they all took turns having the single room in each hotel and although it was meant to he Harry’s turn Louis hoped that he could convince Harry to go in a room with him. They needed to talk and after what he found out about earlier he didn’t want to leave Harry on his own all night.

On the way back Niall finally woke up and was complaining that he was hungry so after much discussion they decided to stop at a diner for food. Since it was almost one in the morning they knew it would be fairly empty.

Their driver was quick to park and one by one they all stepped out of the car one by one but Louis soon realised that Harry hadn’t made a move to follow.

“Harry, come on, we’re going in,” he called gently.

“I’ll wait here…” muttered Harry, not looking at Louis.

“H, come on, you need to eat,” Louis looked at the younger boy,

“I’ll eat later at the hotel,” Harry murmured, still not looking up.

Louis turned to the other boys briefly.

“Guys, you go on in. We’ll join you in a minute.” Louis explained before slipping into the car and closing the door.

“Joe,” Louis called to the driver, “why don’t you go and get some food too, you must be starving.”

Joe nodded in complete understanding, handing Louis the keys so they could lock the car doors when they were done. He then slipped out of the car and closed the door behind him.

“Harry,” Louis sighed, “please, look at me,” he commanded.

Harry reluctantly turned to him.

“Talk to me, what’s going on in your head right now?” Asked Louis, carefully placing a hand on Harry’s knee rubbing soothing circles.

“I’m, I’m just tired,” muttered Harry,

“Please Harry. Talk to me,” It didn’t matter how many times they went through this, Harry was always reluctant to open up.

“I… I need to…” Harry couldn’t get the words out and so he decided to try re-wording it, “I’m feeling jittery again… but in a different way… I… it’s like an itch.”

Louis wasn’t sure if he was quite following.

“Harry, I’m not quite sure what you’re saying?” Louis asked.

“I… I uh…” Harry stuttered before giving up and reaching into his pocket. 

He pulled out a small cloth and handed it to Louis.

At first Louis was confused but then he realised there was something wrapped up in it. He slowly began to unwrap it when he realised what it was. It was three small razor blades. One of which actually had a small amount of dried blood on it.

Louis took a moment to collect his thoughts before saying, “is that why you wanted to stay in here… on your own?”

Harry looked away from Louis, nodding slowly.

Louis felt a small amount of anger bubble inside of him. Not at Harry, he wasn’t angry with Harry. It was more anger at the situation, anger towards whatever was making Harry feel the need to do this.

“Harry, I’m going to take these and I will dispose of them.” Louis informed.

Harry nodded, he knew this was coming.

“Now what we are going to do. First, we are going to go in there and get some food. I understand if you don’t want to sit in there, we can get it to go and eat in here. Secondly, I know it’s your turn to sleep in the single but I’m going to talk to Liam and get him to swap with you,” Louis explained,

“I don’t need you to watch over me, I’ll be fine in the sin…”

Louis cut him off.

“Harry, I am so proud of you for giving me these,” Louis began, “and I don’t want it to seem like I don’t trust you but I know how these mental illnesses can screw with your head.”

“I don’t have a…” Started Harry,

“Please just let me finish,” Louis cut in again, “I don’t want you to be on your own as I’m scared as to what you might do. I want to keep you safe. Harry, I care about you and I could never live with myself if I knew what was going on with you and I let you get hurt.”

Harry let out a heavy sigh before muttering a small, “fine”.

“Finally, I can’t force you to tell them everything, or anything for that matter. But, I think you should tell the boys about your panic attacks.” Explained Louis, “I really think it would be easier on you if they knew. They’ve all noticed that something’s up and if something happens you shouldn’t have to run off and deal with it on your own. You should be able to ask them for help without feeling ashamed.”

Harry was feeling a mix of emotions. He was unsure as to what to do. He was torn, he was terrified of telling the others. They would judge him, surely they would think it was a joke for attention.

“I… I can’t. They can’t find out about… about this…” Harry gestured to his arms, it was clear he was beginning to panic.

“No, Harry, sweetie. You don’t have to tell them everything, not if you don’t want to. Although I know that they would never, ever judge you, they’d just want to help you. However, I really think they should know about the panic attacks.” Explained Louis, trying to calm him down, “I’m pretty sure they already know deep down and they’re all concerned about you. I think they deserve to know.”

Harry sat there in silence for a minute before he finally slowly nodded, allowing tears to freely fall from his eyes.

“I… I want them to know… but… I can’t...” he sobbed, as Louis pulled his arms around Harry holding him tightly as he cried.

“What if I told them?” Louis suggested, “If you want them to know I can tell them for you.”

Louis felt Harry nod against him,

“O...ok...okay…” Harry stuttered as he continued to cry into Louis' chest. Louis only held him tighter.

It was then Louis decided what they were going to do about food. He pulled out his phone and dialled Liam.

“Hey Louis are you coming in?” Liam asked optimistically.

“No, no we’re not,” Louis explained briefly.

Liam could hear Harry’s subtle sobs in the background and hummed in understanding.

“Is he okay?” Liam asked,

“He will be,” Louis replied, “Anyway, I was calling to ask if when you leave you could pick up something to go for Harry and I?”

“Oh, yeah sure. Anything in particular?” Liam asked, curiously,

“Nah, just something simple, with fries I guess,” Louis smiled,

“Yeah, sure man.” Liam replied, “we’re just finishing up so we won’t be long.”

“Oh one more thing,” Added Louis quickly, “I need you to switch rooms with Harry tonight as it was his turn to have the single but I can’t leave him alone like this,” explained Louis.

“Okay, that’s fine. I understand.” Finished Liam, “We’ll be out in about ten-fifteen minutes.”

“Okay,” Replied Louis, “Thanks.” 

Once he’d hung up he turned to Harry and began rubbing soothing circles on his back again as the boy sobbed.

True to his words, ten minutes later Liam and the other boys returned, along with the driver.

As soon as Harry noticed them making their way across the parking lot he pulled away from Louis and resumed his previous stance, pressed against the window taking up as little space as possible.

Once the boys were back in the car no one spoke about what had happened with Harry not coming in and Louis was glad that no one tried to push him on it.

“What’s that?” Asked Zayn eyeing up the cloth in Louis’ hand.

Louis had completely forgotten he was still holding Harry’s blades. He needed to think of a way out of this that wouldn’t raise any suspicion and so he settled for the simple but effective, “oh, its nothing”.

He quickly stuffed them into his pocket before anyone could ask him any more questions about them.

The car was soon parking outside of the hotel and the five boys were climbing out. The security quickly ushered them in while staff got their bags. When they walked in Harry sat down on the edge of a sofa while the other boys went to get the room keys.

No one questioned Harry’s actions as they all knew there was something going on with him.

“Okay dude,” Called Zayn, “Who’s with who? I know it’s Harry’s turn in the single…”

“Actually,” called Louis, “Liam’s taking the single, I really can’t leave Harry alone right now. So, I’m rooming with Harry and Liam’s taking the single, if that’s okay with you two?” Louis asked,

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Replied Zayn, his features softening, “Were you able to talk to him?” 

“I was yes,” Louis paused, “he wants to let you guys in but he’s scared to do it himself so I told him I would talk to you guys.”

The three boys nodded, concern evident on their features.

“He’s been having panic attacks for the past few weeks and he’s really not doing well.” Explained Louis, “I don’t think it would take much to push him over the edge right now. I’m going to phone Simon in the morning and see if I can talk to him about it and see if he has any ideas on what to do and if he can recommend a therapist or something.”

The boys stood a little shocked, unsure of quite how to react.

“So, when he’s run out of rehearsals and wakes up crying…” Started Niall,

“He was having a panic attack,” finished Zayn,

“And when he’s weirdly quiet in situations,” Started Liam,

“It’s because he’s feeling overwhelmed or jittery.” Finished Louis. “So I was thinking, from now on in hotels, you three can rotate around in the single room but I don’t want Harry on his own so I’ll share with him.”

“That’s absolutely fine,” All three boys agreed readily with Louis.

Finally they got their key cards and headed up to their rooms, saying goodnight to one another.

Louis was the last to enter the room where he saw Harry sat on the bed. His features showed he was deep in thought.

“Harry? What is it? Asked Louis,

“Did you tell them?” He asked.

Louis sat down next to him on the bed.

“I did and they were very understanding. Also, it’s been decided that from now on in hotels you and I will room together, okay?” Louis asked.

“Yeah… I get it…” Harry sighed, “I can’t be trusted on my own.”

Louis took Harry’s hand in his and turned to look at him.

“No, no that’s not it at all.” Explained Louis, “I mean, I am worried about what you’ll do but that’s not the point. Harry I care about you and I’ve heard you crying on the bus at night and the panic attacks and I’d hate for you to wake up in the night having a panic attack and having no one to comfort you. I want to help you… Just let me help you, please?”

Harry slowly nodded.

“Now come on. Let’s eat our food and get ready for bed.” Said Louis getting up and handing the bag of food to Harry.

Harry slowly opened the bag and pulled out a box with a burger in it along with a carton of fries. Louis looked to Harry as he took his food out of his own bag. He could tell the younger wanted to say something.

“What is it, love?” Asked Louis gently,

“I…” Harry ran his hand through his hair, “I...this is a lot…” He sighed,

Louis moved to sit next to Harry.

“I know your emotions are all over the place right now but it will get easier…” Louis began but Harry cut him off,

“N..no...no. I mean, this” Harry gestured to the food in front of him, “is a lot.”   
“Oh.” Louis sighed, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder, “Love, you need to eat.”

Harry nodded his head slowly.

“I know… I know… I just, it’s a lot...that’s all…” He sighed, finally looking up at Louis.

Louis could see the sadness and upset in Harry’s eyes.

“It’s okay,” Louis gave him a small smile, “Just try and eat what you can. Just a little bit, that’s all I ask.”

Harry ate extremely slowly and he didn’t eat all that much but Louis was just glad he’d eaten something. 

Louis put his rubbish in the paper bag and looked over to Harry who still had over half a carton of fries and half of his burger left. He was sitting, looking at the food but not making a move to actually eat it. Louis let out a gentle sigh.

“Are you finished, love?” Louis asked, gently and Harry nodded.

Louis then took the remaining food from Harry and placed it in the bag along with his rubbish and placed it in the bin. He turned to see Harry looking down, his bottom lip wobbling.

“What’s wrong love?” Asked Harry,

“I’m sorry.” Harry muttered,

“Sweetie, what is it?” Louis sat back down next to Harry and placed a hand on his back.

“I let you down. I tried but I just, I couldn’t.” Harry explained.

“Oh love,” Louis sighed, “It’s okay, you haven’t let me down.” He started rubbing soothing circles on his back, “I’m just glad you’ve eaten something. You tried, that’s all that matters.”   
Harry nodded slowly, “I guess.”   
“Now, why don’t we head to bed.” Suggested Louis.

Harry responded by getting up and changing into his sweats and a top. It wasn’t long before Harry was tucked up in his bed and Louis was climbing into his own.

He was lying starting at the ceiling for about ten minutes before he heard Harry’s gentle sobs.

“Sweetie?” He called out gently,

“Hmm…” Hummed Harry, his sobs growing louder.

“Oh, come here,” Louis lifted up his duvet, inviting Harry into the bed with him.

Hesitantly Harry crawled in. Louis instantly pulled Harry close, spooning Harry against him, holding him tight.

“What’s going on?” He asked gently,

“I… I’m just overwhelmed…” stuttered Harry, for once Louis didn’t need to ask Harry to elaborate as he did of his own accord. “I… The boys know and are they really okay with it….?”

“Yes,” Louis assured him, “Yes, of course they are. They just want you to be okay.”

“I… I just feel like I’m messing things up…” Muttered Harry, “I… I feel like… I…” 

“It’s okay, love. You haven’t messed anything up.” Louis soothed, “You’ve been put under so much pressure recently and so much stress, we all have. No one is mad at you, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“See, there's the thing though, we’ve all been under it and you guys aren’t falling apart.” Sobbed Harry,

“I know… I know…” Louis gently stroked Harry’s hair, “But people handle things differently and you just need a little more support, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

They lay there in silence, Louis just holding Harry for a while. As soon as Louis thought Harry was asleep he allowed himself to slip into a deep sleep.

However, when Louis assumed Harry was asleep he was wrong.

As soon as Harry was certain Louis was sleeping he slipped out of his arms and into the bathroom.

Once in there he scanned around the room, looking for anything he could break just to get that sweet relief he much needed. He was looking around when he saw Louis’ shaving kit.

He quickly opened it and rummaged through it until he found Louis’ spare razor heads.

He quickly pulled it out and snapped it in order to pull the metal blades from their plastic casing. Three blades fell to the floor and Harry was quick to gather them.

He then allowed himself to sink to the floor, sat against the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arm across them.

He then counted to three before dragging one of the cool metal blades across his already scarred tattooed skin.

He just watched in relief as blood speckled to the top and trickled down his arms. Harry quickly lost count at how many cuts he’d made when he heard a sharp intake of breath.

His head shot up to see Louis stood in the doorway. A confused, shocked look on his face.

Harry was beating himself up inside, he should have locked the door. Why didn’t he lock the door?

“Fuck… Harry… where did you…” Louis began to ask when he noticed his open shaving kit on the counter and the broken plastic in the sink.

“Fuck… right okay… Harry…” Louis said, not quite sure what to do.

He quickly grabbed a towel from the shelf and crouched down in front of Harry.

“Give them to me,” He ordered holding out his hand.

Harry just looked down.

“Give me the razors right now!” Ordered Louis sharply making Harry jump.

Louis knew he should have used a more gentle tone but right now that’s not what was important.

Harry placed the three razors onto Louis’ palm. He now had tears in his eyes but Louis didn’t notice.

He quickly pocketed the razors before roughly grabbing Harry’s arm, tightly wrapping the cuts with the towel, ignoring the way Harry winced as the pressure increased on the area.

“Harry, why?” He asked finally, letting out a gentle sigh. 

“I… I… I just…” Harry stuttered but he couldn’t find the words, “I just… I don’t know…”

Now the tears were falling from Harry’s eyes.

“I’m sorry…” Harry bawled, “I’m so so sorry…”

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry, making sure he was still applying pressure to the cuts. He held the younger boy tightly until the crying subsided a little. He then began to tend to Harry’s cuts. Wiping them down with antiseptic and bandaging them. 

Harry was still a broken mess but Louis knew that he couldn’t leave his shaving kit in the room with them any longer. It was only half two in the morning. There was still time for things to go wrong.

Louis helped Harry back to the bed before entering the bathroom again. Quickly throwing all of this shaving things back into the bag, along with the three razors Harry had used.

He quickly zipped it up and searched the room for anything sharp. There were small hotel shaving kits that Louis knew couldn’t stay there. He gathered them before entering the main room again.

“Harry, where’s your shaving kit?” Louis asked,

Harry didn’t respond.

“Tell me right now or I will go through your things until I find it. I know you have one!” Louis said sternly, roughly rifling through Harry’s wardrobe. “Where is it!?”

Louis instantly knew he’d made a mistake by yelling when he saw Harry flinch followed by more tears falling from his eyes.

His expression softened and he sat down, gently, next to Harry. He placed a hand on the sobbing boys back.   
“I’m just trying to help you okay. Having them here is too much of a temptation. We need to get rid of them.” He explained gently.

Harry nodded slowly before muttering, “suitcase…”

“Thank you,” Louis whispered before standing and pulling Harry’s suitcase out from under the bed.

Louis unzipped Harry’s bag, finding the shaving kit on the top of various other grooming items. He pulled it out along with a pair of scissors kept in the bag.

“I will be right back,” promised Louis before he gathered all of the items and left their room.

He walked straight across the hall to Liam's room where he relentlessly knocked on the door until the boy answered.

“Yes, oh… Louis,” Said Liam annoyed and surprised.

Louis quickly pushed into the room, dumping his stash onto the bed.

“I need you to carry both mine and Harry’s shaving kits in your bag.” He said quickly,

“Woah, wait, why?” Asked Liam, trying to get Louis to elaborate.

“You can’t tell the other boys but Harry, he’s uh… he’s been cutting. I’ve known since the concert but I promised I wouldn’t say anything but I just found him in the bathroom cutting. He’d broken one of my razors and removed the blade.” Louis quickly explained, his tempo increasing as he went, “And I can’t have these in the room, I hate to say it but, I can’t trust him with them, I just. I can’t trust him. I want to but I can't.”

Liam looked shocked but he nodded before pulling Louis in for a hug.

“It’s okay, we’ll call Simon tomorrow. We’ll get him help.” Liam muttered trying to soothe Louis.

When the two finally broke apart Louis thanked Liam quickly and returned to Harry. However, when he entered he saw Harry had fallen asleep on his bed. The crying must have taken all of his energy.

Louis gingerly slipped into the bed behind him, pulling the younger boy close to his chest and holding him tightly. He had no intention of letting Harry go. He was going to help and protect the boy for as long as he needed him.


End file.
